Relationships are so weird and complicated. You start one, you end one, you start another one. Today’s topic is on the rather common “ex wants your back” dilemma. Most of us have been there are one point or another. Here’s my guide on what to do when your ex wants you back.
When it comes to dating and relationships, getting back with your ex isn’t uncommon. In fact, I describe it as a rather common occurrence. Most people will find themselves in this situation at least once in their lives and it can be a tricky thing to navigate.
There are two things that can happen if you get back together with your ex. The first is that thing will all work out, you’ll have a fantastic relationship and thank the Gods you didn’t miss out on that second chance to be with the love of your life. The second thing is that it’ll start off well enough, but then all the old problems come back and you break up for a second time, often in a worse, more dramatic way.
Which of these scenarios do you think happens the most often? Which do you think couples who get back together think will happen to them?
Remember why you broke up
There must be a reason why your relationship failed. A reason why you broke up in the first place. So try and remember why you broke up. These are the problems that ended your relationship the first time, and if they haven’t been fixed, they will end your relationship the second time.
It can be hard to remember all the bad things that happen in a relationship. Especially hard if it was a while ago. Find a friend who knew about your problems and talk to them about it, they’ll probably be able to remind you of some of the things that were wrong. It’s good to get an outsider’s perspective.
Sometimes it also helps to write down each of the points. This might sound negative, but it’s a practical approach and more people should be practical when making these decisions.
Be honest with yourself
There are loads of reasons why you could be tempted by the idea of getting back with your ex. However most people aren’t honest with themselves when they think about their reason.
Common reasons you want to get back with your ex
- You still love them
- You feel as if there wasn’t closure the first time around
- They left you for someone else
- You’re scared of being alone
- You’re nostalgic and can only remember the good times
- You honestly believe it’s a healthy choice that will make you happy
Once you’ve pinpointed the exact reason you want to get back with your ex, you can decide if it’s a good reason or a bad reason.
I still love them
Being in love with someone is hard, especially if they leave you. You don’t know what you did wrong. Maybe they found someone else. They were the best you ever had, and now you’ve got a second chance. It seems too good to be true.
In this case, it probably is. People are flawed. When this situation comes up, you need to ask yourself why do they want to get back with you?
Is it because they realised they loved you the most all along and made a terrible mistake? Remember, just because they said it doesn’t mean it true.
Are they using you as a rebound from a different relationship? Are they simply worried about being alone and you were available? Do you honestly, deep down, believe they want to get back together with you for the right reasons. Or do you think that they’ll end up hurting you again in the end?
Nostalgia can be a powerful thing. It makes you forget all the bad things that happen and only remember the good things. It’s a great tool for us to remember the positive in our lives. However nostalgia is for things in the past, and sometimes revisiting things we remember fondly only disapoints us with their present reality.
There was no closure
Breakups aren’t always clean. Sometimes you don’t get closure and it irritates you like a stone in your shoe. You ignore it at first, but it’s still there, a pain in your foot.
Closure is that feeling of emotional satisfaction. When you break up with someone, you either get instant closure (if you’re the one that did the breaking up normally) or you eventually find closure after a bit of grieving.
Some people don’t ever get that closure. Things feel like they ended the wrong way, and you’re unable to close the book on the story. It feels wrong. So when you get a chance to get back together, you might just be hoping to finally find the closure you need.
This happens with a lot of people. They get back together with their ex, and they finally understand exactly why things didn’t work and finally get their closure. Some people need this. But it can cause more heartache that it’s worth.
The fact is, time heals all. If you haven’t found closure, but know that getting back together with your ex is a bad idea, then leave things. Moving on is hard, but if you meet someone else, someone more important, then that closure won’t even matter to you anymore.
You want revenge
This is the hardest thing to admit. It’s nasty. It’s ugly. However it’s very common. If you didn’t do the breaking up, if your partner had cheated on you, if for whatever reason things went south and you weren’t in control, this could be your chance to get that control back.
But it’s wrong. It might make you feel better emotionally, although is that worth the pain and trouble you’ll cause?
Wanting to get back at your ex, to be in control and the one with power, can be tempting. But it’s not worth it. They hurt you and that already means they’re not worth your time. Instead, focus your energy and determination on finding happiness elsewhere, because that’s the ultimate way to stick it to them.
Will it make you happy?
At the end of the day, only you can decide on what you do when your ex wants you back. You’re the only one who understands the situation. Think long and hard and decide for yourself.
Will this make me happy? Do I really, truly believe that getting back with my ex is the right path? Most of us know deep down the answer to that, and again, you just need to be honest with yourself.
You are important, and you need to make the choice that will be best for your own well being.