It is universally accepted that penises are weird. Even without the debate of circumcised or uncircumcised, it’s just fact that they are strange. Or interesting. Humans however have fairly boring penises, compared to these interesting animal penises. Which interesting animal penises are the best?

The alligator has a a permanently erect penis. All 10cms. Yes, the great and fearsome alligator only as a 10cm long penis. I guess what it lacks in size, it makes up for by being always erect. The alligator actually hides it’s penis inside it’s body, and the penis shoots out when needed before retracting back inside the body. It’s the only animal that’s really known to not inflate it’s penis. For a slightly more in-depth explanation on how alligator penises work, read this article.

The Duck

Ducks penises are ridiculously interesting. You’ll never be able to see a cute little duck in the local pond the same way again. Firstly, ducks have penises. This in itself is pretty interesting. That’s because most birds don’t have penises. Really. They just mush their genital area against each other and transfer sperm without penetration.

Ducks not only have penises, but they’re corkscrew shaped. Corkscrew, explosive and to top it all off, they fall off every mating season. Yes, their penises literally fall off their bodies. They grow a new one each mating season. Sounds horrible? Not entirely. The new penises grow in proportion to their competition, so they’re constantly growing bigger penises.

 

Barnacles

When it comes to who has the biggest dick contest, the barnacles win. Their penises can reach up to 50 times their body size. To put that in perspective, a 5″10 man would have a 3500 inch penis. Because barnacles are basically rocks stuck on other rocks, their penises have to be long. In rough waters, the barnacles will also produce more muscular penises to be able to stand the strength of the currents.

Their penises reach out of their shells and they reach over to their female neighbours to distribute their sperm. Interestingly enough, barnacles are hermaphrodites in their resting states. In mating season, the barnacles whose egg glands begin to swell are considered female, and they send out pheromones into the waters to tell their friends they’re ready to get down and dirty.

Turtles

Turtles have scary penises. Why? Short answer, because they’re big. Not 50 times their body size big, but big enough that if you see a turtle with it’s penis hanging out, you’re going to think WTF. They have to be big because they need to make sure they get penetrate a female turtle. Tricky considering they both have big shells they live in.

However turtles are pretty badass, because not only do they get their penises out for sex, they’ll do it just to show off. That’s right, the slow and sweet turtle will happily swagger around showing off it’s massive turtle dick.

Here’s a long explanation on turtle penises.

Female Hyenas

This one isn’t really a penis. It’s a clitoris. But the female hyena has a bigger clitoris than the male hyena’s penis. With Hyenas, the females are dominant and males are submissive. Part of the reason why the female has such a big clitoris is because she compares it to the male’s penis, to show him she’s better than him.

The female clitoris is capable of getting erections. When a female Hyena gives birth, it actually gives birth through the clit/penis thing. If that’s not a horrifying though, it at least is a very interesting one.

Other good penises

I picked my favourite 5 interesting animal penises, but the list of animal dicks is really very long, and really very interesting. If you have some spare time, it’s a fascinating topic to get into. You can find out that donkey’s really do have big penises. There’s also the water boatman bug which can sing with it’s penis. Or flatworms who are also hermaphrodites and fence with their penises, the loser gets to get pregnant.

chart of animal penises

  • revivalep

    Hi Harriet, I’m a big fan!

    Question. What are your thoughts on beastity? Do you know anyone who engages in it?

    Looking forward to more great content 😉

    • Harriet Sugarcookie

      Hey!
      Beastiality/Zoophillia isn’t something I’ve really considered. On a personal level, it doesn’t make much sense to me. I’ve never found animals sexually attractive, and so I can’t really understand the views of people who are into it.

      I don’t have any friends that engage in it. I don’t think it’s something many people would be very open about, since it’s pretty illegal.

      I do have friends who are Furries though, but I think furries don’t really count. It’s a different type of fetish I believe, because the animals in this context are humanised a lot (anthropomorphic) as well as often being very fictional (sonic the hedgehog, dragons ect). Furries also dress up as animals themselves, rather than try to engage in sex with real animals.

      I think animal sexuality is interesting, in a biological and scientific sense, but not in a sexual or physical sense.